‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land, folks stayed in their house – rule breakers threatened with months on remand.

The ever changing rules had driven granny up the wall, no visit from her family now they’re all in tier four. All she wanted was to pull a cracker, eat a turkey butty – “I’ve lived though a bloody war, these Covid laws are nutty”.

“Boris didn’t ask me if I wanted ‘protection’ via isolation, he simply took it on himself to inflict it on the nation.”

“I may be old but I’m not daft, I can make these decisions for myself – he’s taking the piss thinking I’m not missed n leaving me to rot like a furloughed elf on a shelf”.

So with a huff and a puff, granny declared “that’s enough” and called all the family around. “If we don’t make a sound, and the kids aren’t too loud I’m sure we can gather for lunch”.

“Unless the neighbours tell tales, the popo won’t know and Boris – he’s in his own bullshit bubble. Be here for lunch at 2 and we’ll party til late – just remember on the way out to not slam the gate.”

“What’s the point of being ‘protected’ when I’m sat here all alone? I need to see my family in the flesh, not 5 minutes on the phone.”

“None of us know how much time we’ve got and every day is a brand new blessing. This Covid malarkey has taken so much and from it we need to learn lessons.”

“Give is the facts, drop all the ‘fluff’ and let us make our own decisions – those that desire can stay home by the fire while the rest of us crack on getting provisions”.

The family agreed and with renewed festive cheer they began gathering ingredients for dinner. Some sprouts for aunt Mary, Yorkshire puds for uncle Stan – a party pack of Imodium for those that get stuck on the shitter.

So if you see your neighbours having family round for lunch n maybe staying for tea – just smile and wave or look away, that’s all there is to say.

This years been tough enough as it is, they’ve divided us enough already – so go visit your family, enjoy your day, just go easy on the sherry.

BREAKING: DANGEROUS NEW STRAIN OF VIRUS SWEEPS UK

Thousands of Brits are thought to be infected with a new form of fast spreading virus that scientists are calling ‘BojoBullshiticus’.

Leading virologist, Dr Knowfuckall said: “We are more than alarmed at the rate the BojoBullshiticus is travelling across the nation.

“At this moment in time it appears that the vast majority of people are indeed infected with BojoBullshiticus, however we’re hopeful numbers will fall in coming weeks as it becomes more apparent that they’ve been blagged by a braggart.”

Symptoms vary wildly and there’s reports of widespread mass hysteria with some even contemplating leaving elderly relatives in prolonged isolation over what has now become known as the festered period.

Karen from London said: “We didn’t give a rats ass when the BojoBullshiticus meant them up north had to face more misery in tier 3 – we were too busy getting pissed in the pub and welcoming the thousands of foreigners we have arriving every week.

“But now it’s here, in the capitol and that was not supposed to happen – fair enough the uncouth northerners need locking up/down but we’re better than that. How am I supposed to take Tabitha to school or get my daily crappachino now everywhere is closed. It’s totes ridiculous”.

Prime Minister Johno the KnobJockey refused to answer our request for an interview, simply stating: “Put your hands over your face and hop in one place until we decide on a better course of action. Obviously these rules don’t apply to Westminster but if any of the other districts break them we’ll simply up the tiers and starve them out”.

“The human vaccine trials are well underway but this won’t make an iota of difference anyway and we’ll expect you all to continue with the masks and lack of social interaction for as long as we can possibly get away with it.

“Have yourself a Merry little Festermas and by that I mean by yourself, with the windows open and intense hand washing every hour on the hour. You can go out, but not out out and don’t pull a cracker with your nan if you’d like her to live long enough to qualify for a vaccine we have absolutely no idea about in regards to long term effects.

“Fuck you very much, over n out”.

Merry Covidmas One n All…

December is here and Christmas is in sight,
Up goes the tinsel, baubles n some twinkly lights.
But wait, all was not quite as it seems – the economy is broken, the nation on its knees.

No hearth to hang a stocking on now they’ve been evicted, this isn’t what the tories promised – this isn’t what they depicted.

From lockdown one into lockdown two then straight to tyrannical tier three, no hugs permitted no gathering of groups, just pure misery as far as the eye can see.

They’ve stolen our fun, our kids hopes and dreams have all gone and there’s no end even in sight.

All for a virus with less death than survivors, and despite our lad Burnham putting up a good fight – Boris couldn’t care less about us pesky northerners deciding to ‘top tier’ us in spite.

This year it’s all about the ‘R figures’ n charts for ‘viral load’ – no board games allowed and even the turkey has been furloughed.

And if we dare to feel a bit festive now December has arrived you can be sure that up will pop BoJo, reminding us we’re just lucky to be alive.

“They’ll be no fun for anyone, I can’t make it any clearer – don’t you know our invisible enemy is close and only getting nearer

This doesn’t apply to yours truly, Carrie or my crew – we don’t follow our own legislation, we just tell you lot what to do.

We’re quite in shock at just how much you’re happy to obey and that is why, to make it fun, we change the rules every day”

So as you gather your tree, cards n gifts (once the shops can reopen) be sure to remember whose fault it is that our Christmas traditions are broken.

No visits with nan, stay 6 foot away if you can and forget hugging your mate ‘cos it’s banned – but school is okay you can send your kids every day and work is pretty safe to carry on with too.

If this makes no sense and you’re starting to think that perhaps you should decide what to do for yourself, step away from the shelf n put down that elf, perhaps pour a big festive drink.

Let’s say a cheers to the shittiest of years as it slowly draws to an end, look out for each other, smile at strangers, go hug your mother because on family n friends you can depend.

Happy f#%^g Christmas One n All

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