Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land, folks stayed in their house – rule breakers threatened with months on remand.

The ever changing rules had driven granny up the wall, no visit from her family now they’re all in tier four. All she wanted was to pull a cracker, eat a turkey butty – “I’ve lived though a bloody war, these Covid laws are nutty”.

“Boris didn’t ask me if I wanted ‘protection’ via isolation, he simply took it on himself to inflict it on the nation.”

“I may be old but I’m not daft, I can make these decisions for myself – he’s taking the piss thinking I’m not missed n leaving me to rot like a furloughed elf on a shelf”.

So with a huff and a puff, granny declared “that’s enough” and called all the family around. “If we don’t make a sound, and the kids aren’t too loud I’m sure we can gather for lunch”.

“Unless the neighbours tell tales, the popo won’t know and Boris – he’s in his own bullshit bubble. Be here for lunch at 2 and we’ll party til late – just remember on the way out to not slam the gate.”

“What’s the point of being ‘protected’ when I’m sat here all alone? I need to see my family in the flesh, not 5 minutes on the phone.”

“None of us know how much time we’ve got and every day is a brand new blessing. This Covid malarkey has taken so much and from it we need to learn lessons.”

“Give is the facts, drop all the ‘fluff’ and let us make our own decisions – those that desire can stay home by the fire while the rest of us crack on getting provisions”.

The family agreed and with renewed festive cheer they began gathering ingredients for dinner. Some sprouts for aunt Mary, Yorkshire puds for uncle Stan – a party pack of Imodium for those that get stuck on the shitter.

So if you see your neighbours having family round for lunch n maybe staying for tea – just smile and wave or look away, that’s all there is to say.

This years been tough enough as it is, they’ve divided us enough already – so go visit your family, enjoy your day, just go easy on the sherry.

BREAKING: DANGEROUS NEW STRAIN OF VIRUS SWEEPS UK

Thousands of Brits are thought to be infected with a new form of fast spreading virus that scientists are calling ‘BojoBullshiticus’.

Leading virologist, Dr Knowfuckall said: “We are more than alarmed at the rate the BojoBullshiticus is travelling across the nation.

“At this moment in time it appears that the vast majority of people are indeed infected with BojoBullshiticus, however we’re hopeful numbers will fall in coming weeks as it becomes more apparent that they’ve been blagged by a braggart.”

Symptoms vary wildly and there’s reports of widespread mass hysteria with some even contemplating leaving elderly relatives in prolonged isolation over what has now become known as the festered period.

Karen from London said: “We didn’t give a rats ass when the BojoBullshiticus meant them up north had to face more misery in tier 3 – we were too busy getting pissed in the pub and welcoming the thousands of foreigners we have arriving every week.

“But now it’s here, in the capitol and that was not supposed to happen – fair enough the uncouth northerners need locking up/down but we’re better than that. How am I supposed to take Tabitha to school or get my daily crappachino now everywhere is closed. It’s totes ridiculous”.

Prime Minister Johno the KnobJockey refused to answer our request for an interview, simply stating: “Put your hands over your face and hop in one place until we decide on a better course of action. Obviously these rules don’t apply to Westminster but if any of the other districts break them we’ll simply up the tiers and starve them out”.

“The human vaccine trials are well underway but this won’t make an iota of difference anyway and we’ll expect you all to continue with the masks and lack of social interaction for as long as we can possibly get away with it.

“Have yourself a Merry little Festermas and by that I mean by yourself, with the windows open and intense hand washing every hour on the hour. You can go out, but not out out and don’t pull a cracker with your nan if you’d like her to live long enough to qualify for a vaccine we have absolutely no idea about in regards to long term effects.

“Fuck you very much, over n out”.

Merry Covidmas One n All…

December is here and Christmas is in sight,
Up goes the tinsel, baubles n some twinkly lights.
But wait, all was not quite as it seems – the economy is broken, the nation on its knees.

No hearth to hang a stocking on now they’ve been evicted, this isn’t what the tories promised – this isn’t what they depicted.

From lockdown one into lockdown two then straight to tyrannical tier three, no hugs permitted no gathering of groups, just pure misery as far as the eye can see.

They’ve stolen our fun, our kids hopes and dreams have all gone and there’s no end even in sight.

All for a virus with less death than survivors, and despite our lad Burnham putting up a good fight – Boris couldn’t care less about us pesky northerners deciding to ‘top tier’ us in spite.

This year it’s all about the ‘R figures’ n charts for ‘viral load’ – no board games allowed and even the turkey has been furloughed.

And if we dare to feel a bit festive now December has arrived you can be sure that up will pop BoJo, reminding us we’re just lucky to be alive.

“They’ll be no fun for anyone, I can’t make it any clearer – don’t you know our invisible enemy is close and only getting nearer

This doesn’t apply to yours truly, Carrie or my crew – we don’t follow our own legislation, we just tell you lot what to do.

We’re quite in shock at just how much you’re happy to obey and that is why, to make it fun, we change the rules every day”

So as you gather your tree, cards n gifts (once the shops can reopen) be sure to remember whose fault it is that our Christmas traditions are broken.

No visits with nan, stay 6 foot away if you can and forget hugging your mate ‘cos it’s banned – but school is okay you can send your kids every day and work is pretty safe to carry on with too.

If this makes no sense and you’re starting to think that perhaps you should decide what to do for yourself, step away from the shelf n put down that elf, perhaps pour a big festive drink.

Let’s say a cheers to the shittiest of years as it slowly draws to an end, look out for each other, smile at strangers, go hug your mother because on family n friends you can depend.

Happy f#%^g Christmas One n All

Books have feelings too

As a self-confessed bookworm and stationery addict I’m always on the look out for unusual and quirky ‘bookish things’, collecting them as some women amass shoes, and with the same ‘you can never have enough’ excitement.

page corners

Stylish and practical

My favourite has to be a good bookmark and I can often be found in the Manchester branch of Waterstones picking up the latest bestseller, browsing for new additions for my collection and having a cheeky brew. It was following my most recent visit that I discovered the absolute gem known as a Page Corner Bookmark 🙂

If, like me you are guilty of folding down the corner of the page when you’re reading, this bookmark offers the perfect solution. It gives the illusion of a folded page while saving both your place and, more importantly, the precious book corners from damage.

bookmark 1

no more bent corners

 

Page Corner Bookmarks come in an assortment of designs, each beautifully finished and embossed with different text. The packaging is trendy yet vintage and would appeal to bookworms old and young alike, making this bookmark an ideal stocking filler for the bibliophile in your life .

Created by an innovative team called ‘that company called if‘ the bookmarks are available to buy in branches of WHSmith’s and Waterstones. Bookworms in the Emerald Isle can find them in selected WHSmith’s stores and Eason’s in Ireland and N. Ireland.

bookmark 2

 

Who gets to play Santa now we’re divorced?

A look at a report recently published, titled ‘Children, divorce and separation in the festive season’ – How the UK’s divorced and separated parents deal with the practical and emotional demands of Christmas.

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Christmas can be a challenging time for parents, even if they are blessed with a stable family and strong support network, the stress of the festive season putting added pressure on our time, wallets and emotions.

When families breakdown, the challenges are often more daunting and for parents who find themselves estranged from one another, the festive season often serves to bring many of the more difficult scenarios home to roost.

Questions about who gets to spend time with the children tend to rise to the surface again as both sides of the family seek to impose their own wishes. Meanwhile, both parents will always argue that their actions are ‘in the best interests of the children.’

A report was commissioned by Simpson Millar solicitors with these dynamics in mind – they surveyed 1000 divorced and separated parents across the UK during December 2014, to find out their thoughts and feelings as Christmas approaches.

Asking questions such as ‘how do you divide your children’s time at Christmas?’ and ‘Do your children get two Christmases, one with each parent?’ the results are rather revealing.

The report revealed that Christmas arrangements can be difficult and are often a source of added stress. Parents are always trying their best to make sure that the children have as enjoyable and fulfilling a time at Christmas as possible, while trying to ensure that that their own needs to be parents and desire to spend time with their children is satisfied.

The survey reveals a number of fascinating trends about divorced and separated parents around the country.

Almost a quarter of divorced parents spend Christmas Day together

Almost a quarter of divorced parents spend Christmas Day together

It may surprise you to learn that the UK’s mums and dads are a mostly forgiving bunch, almost a quarter (23%) of divorced and separated parents actually spend their Christmas Day together as a family.

The most common approach to Christmas for divorced and separated parents is to take it in turns every year, with 27% saying they alternate who has the children with their ex. East Midlanders were the most likely to do this, with 35% of people in that region taking the kids for Christmas from year to year, as opposed to just 23% of Yorkshire parents.

The first Christmas apart….

For every divorced or separated couple with children the first Christmas apart is possibly going to be one of the most challenging. Loneliness, jealousy over new partners or step siblings involved with your children can cause considerable anxiety, as the report  confirmed.

Asking parents what the most challenging moments during that first year were, the overwhelming response nationwide was ‘remaining on speaking terms’.

41% of divorced and separated parents found it difficult to remain on speaking terms at all and were unable to make any arrangements at all.

The influence of new partners or step children can be very hard to cope with, but some parents are more worried about adult influences, 14% of parents said they were ‘concerned about the presence or influence of a new partner’.

Planning ahead…

At what time of year do parents make Christmas arrangements?

At what time of year do parents make Christmas arrangements?

Most divorced and separated parents make arrangements ‘in good time’ for Christmas, but 24%

described their approach as ‘cutting it fine’ and waited until December to make plans. A small number of parents (4%) said they left planning until the week before Christmas while East Anglian parents were the most organised with 60% making arrangements between September and November.

Really Doing it for the kids?

In a classic pollster’s trick, to ask the same question in two different ways, the survey managed to find out a little more about how divorced and separated parents  actually involve their children in the decision making process.Variables including the age of the children were considered and the results are quite revealing.

The majority of parents tended not to ask their children where they want to spend Christmas with, with only 13% saying they did. However, when asked a similar question worded differently – ‘what

important factors when dividing time spent

important factors when dividing time spent with the children

factors do you consider to be the most important when dividing time spent with your children at Christmas?’ a massive 66% of parents claimed that ‘their children’s opinions’ were significant.

Common causes of arguments

The most common thing divorced and separated parents said they argue about at Christmas is the problem of their ex ‘spoiling’ the children. 37% of of mums and dads across the UK said this was the likeliest source of tension and over in Northern Ireland it was an issue for 67%.

As to be expected,  there were several other potential flash points.

Spoiling is a major concern for parents in Northern Ireland, with 67% saying this was a common cause of arguments with their ex partner.

Most common cause of arguments

Most common cause of arguments

Another common cause of arguments (30%)  concerned the presence of a new step-family, 37% of Londoners said they were anxious

about this, but only 17% of people in Wales said the same.

‘Badmouthing the other parent’ was responsible for arguments between 20% of ex couples, a surprisingly low number.

So what next?

Christmas can be a tough time for families after separation – even those parenting together following a less acrimonious separation or divorce or who may have been apart for several years can find it difficult. Much of the problem is the unrealistic expectation society places on Christmas being perfect. Combine this with money worries, logistics of you both wanting Christmas with your kids and the feelings of guilt and loneliness that can be overwhelming and no wonder it can all get a bit much.

Getting through Christmas is an important part of the journey that you and your children have to go through . Even though it can be challenging for all involved there are some things you can do to make it a little easier.

Planning and flexibility 

Don’t pretend it can be the same as when you were together – Allow yourself to feel your emotions.
It’s important to put on a brave face for the children, but try and give yourself a bit of time alone to help deal with your feelings and don’t feel guilty about doing so.

Talk about your feelings as a family and maybe share ideas for a ‘different’ type of Christmas; sometime sharing your thoughts will help you feel closer.

Trying to be 'Super Parent' is exhausting

Trying to be ‘Super Parent’ is exhausting

Don’t try and be super mum or super dad attempting to fix everything. It’s exhausting and pressured for everyone. It is much better all round to stagger the Christmas celebrations so that the children can spend relaxed time with both of you.

It’s only natural to feel especially protective of your children at Christmas, maybe even a little defensive but don’t let feeling guilty mean you give into pester power from the little ones or teenagers pressuring you to spend what you can’t afford.

It’s easy to do this, especially if the kids aren’t living with you. Try and make time for cheap or free ‘treats’ that everyone can look forward to……kids often know that money doesn’t buy love better than their parents do.

That brings me to the old but true cliche – money really can’t buy you love – we know it, but there’s a strong link, especially for mums, between spending money and expressing love so it’s easy to overspend. Thing is most people care more about the thought that went into presents, rather than how much they cost so try and keep that in mind.

What kids’ value the most is relaxed time with their parent/s more than expensive material things

Spend some chilled time with the kids this Christmas

Spend some chilled time with the kids this Christmas

. Overspending  just sets up more problems afterwards which, in the long run, will make things worse for everyone. The more stressed you are about money the less able you will be to focus on your kid’s needs – so leave the credit card at home if you feel tempted to overspend.

Try to set a budget and then stick to it – shopping early and taking practical steps to avoid overspending is crucial.

Talk to the children and your ex about arrangements well in advance – realistic expectations can prevent disappointment for everyone.

Get your family on side and to recognise that doing things a little differently could help everyone deal with loss, divorce, or new family arrangements.

Try not to be too controlling or take things personally. For example, if your ex-partner says they can only see their child for a certain amount of time that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Instead of getting angry, organise things differently next Christmas

Possibly the most important thing to keep in mind at Christmas is that not the time to sort out problems and gripes. Christmas is stressful enough as it is. If possible, wait until things have settled down in the New Year.

Last but not least remember not to be be too hard on yourself – talk to friends about your feelings and allow yourself to work through them at your own pace. It’s normal to find Christmas difficult at the best of times so cut yourself some slack and have some fun 🙂

maria-544184_1280

 

The best sex toys to spice up christmas

For ladies and gentlemen finding themselves on Magic Moments’ naughty list this year, it’s time for some serious punishment with a little help from the sex toy gods.

Feeling fruity this festive season?

Feeling fruity this festive season?

Too much roast turkey, bucks fizz and nibbles, there’s so much about this time of year that just screams indulgence, and why shouldn’t it?

As the season to be jolly gets well in the swing, why not delve into an altogether different type of pleasure, when the Christmas lights go out and you find a little ‘alone time’ with your partner, among the busy party schedule?

With the help of the UK’s longest serving sex toy shopping site, Magic Moments, we have put together a tasty selection of Christmas goodies of a naughty kind, that you won’t want to open in front of granny…

Needing no introduction, other than an orgasmic wow, it’s the Intimate Labia Spreader, one of Magic Moment’s most popular couples toys of the year, packing one hell of a punch for a reactively small toy. The Intimate Parts Spreader is a ridged curve that is inserted prior to intercourse, providing mindblowing stimulation to both the G-Spot and penis.

Stylish and incredibly effective, this toy promises to be the perfect sexy stocking filler for you both to enjoy.

Next, find yourself caught in a love affair of a different kind with the Anal Fever Vibrating Love Beads. Add a little spice to Christmas night fun, as lovers of anal play all over the UK are able to snap up this powerful, visually enticing and incredibly arousing love toy online.

Enjoyed by both, you can look forward to a very naughty new year with one of Magic Moments best anal toys.

Take some time for yourself in between the festivities

Take some time for yourself in between the festivities

A remote control vibrator can prove to be the perfect recipe for a good time at this time of year. Ladies, submit to the mercy of your partner in any social environment and prepare for the unpredictable excitement this sex toy provides. Christmas office party, an evening out for cocktails or even a cosy night in with your lover, all are perfect settings for some seriously naughty fun. But shhh – keep it your little secret 😉

Single and happy this December? There are still plenty of solo sex toys out there that guarantee a good time between the sheets. From vibrators and dildo’s for the ladies, to male masturbators and realistic toys for the gents, a more pleasurable and satisfying festive period is just around the corner.

You can find all the toys listed here and much more on the Magic Moments website or call 07809 258127 for more details 🙂

Looking for something a little different this year?

Looking for something a little different this year?

 

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