Covidmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land, folks stayed in their house – rule breakers threatened with months on remand.

The ever changing rules had driven granny up the wall, no visit from her family now they’re all in tier four. All she wanted was to pull a cracker, eat a turkey butty – “I’ve lived though a bloody war, these Covid laws are nutty”.

“Boris didn’t ask me if I wanted ‘protection’ via isolation, he simply took it on himself to inflict it on the nation.”

“I may be old but I’m not daft, I can make these decisions for myself – he’s taking the piss thinking I’m not missed n leaving me to rot like a furloughed elf on a shelf”.

So with a huff and a puff, granny declared “that’s enough” and called all the family around. “If we don’t make a sound, and the kids aren’t too loud I’m sure we can gather for lunch”.

“Unless the neighbours tell tales, the popo won’t know and Boris – he’s in his own bullshit bubble. Be here for lunch at 2 and we’ll party til late – just remember on the way out to not slam the gate.”

“What’s the point of being ‘protected’ when I’m sat here all alone? I need to see my family in the flesh, not 5 minutes on the phone.”

“None of us know how much time we’ve got and every day is a brand new blessing. This Covid malarkey has taken so much and from it we need to learn lessons.”

“Give is the facts, drop all the ‘fluff’ and let us make our own decisions – those that desire can stay home by the fire while the rest of us crack on getting provisions”.

The family agreed and with renewed festive cheer they began gathering ingredients for dinner. Some sprouts for aunt Mary, Yorkshire puds for uncle Stan – a party pack of Imodium for those that get stuck on the shitter.

So if you see your neighbours having family round for lunch n maybe staying for tea – just smile and wave or look away, that’s all there is to say.

This years been tough enough as it is, they’ve divided us enough already – so go visit your family, enjoy your day, just go easy on the sherry.

Merry Covidmas One n All…

December is here and Christmas is in sight,
Up goes the tinsel, baubles n some twinkly lights.
But wait, all was not quite as it seems – the economy is broken, the nation on its knees.

No hearth to hang a stocking on now they’ve been evicted, this isn’t what the tories promised – this isn’t what they depicted.

From lockdown one into lockdown two then straight to tyrannical tier three, no hugs permitted no gathering of groups, just pure misery as far as the eye can see.

They’ve stolen our fun, our kids hopes and dreams have all gone and there’s no end even in sight.

All for a virus with less death than survivors, and despite our lad Burnham putting up a good fight – Boris couldn’t care less about us pesky northerners deciding to ‘top tier’ us in spite.

This year it’s all about the ‘R figures’ n charts for ‘viral load’ – no board games allowed and even the turkey has been furloughed.

And if we dare to feel a bit festive now December has arrived you can be sure that up will pop BoJo, reminding us we’re just lucky to be alive.

“They’ll be no fun for anyone, I can’t make it any clearer – don’t you know our invisible enemy is close and only getting nearer

This doesn’t apply to yours truly, Carrie or my crew – we don’t follow our own legislation, we just tell you lot what to do.

We’re quite in shock at just how much you’re happy to obey and that is why, to make it fun, we change the rules every day”

So as you gather your tree, cards n gifts (once the shops can reopen) be sure to remember whose fault it is that our Christmas traditions are broken.

No visits with nan, stay 6 foot away if you can and forget hugging your mate ‘cos it’s banned – but school is okay you can send your kids every day and work is pretty safe to carry on with too.

If this makes no sense and you’re starting to think that perhaps you should decide what to do for yourself, step away from the shelf n put down that elf, perhaps pour a big festive drink.

Let’s say a cheers to the shittiest of years as it slowly draws to an end, look out for each other, smile at strangers, go hug your mother because on family n friends you can depend.

Happy f#%^g Christmas One n All

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