The ever changing rules had driven granny up the wall, no visit from her family now they’re all in tier four. All she wanted was to pull a cracker, eat a turkey butty – “I’ve lived though a bloody war, these Covid laws are nutty”.
“Boris didn’t ask me if I wanted ‘protection’ via isolation, he simply took it on himself to inflict it on the nation.”
“I may be old but I’m not daft, I can make these decisions for myself – he’s taking the piss thinking I’m not missed n leaving me to rot like a furloughed elf on a shelf”.
So with a huff and a puff, granny declared “that’s enough” and called all the family around. “If we don’t make a sound, and the kids aren’t too loud I’m sure we can gather for lunch”.
“Unless the neighbours tell tales, the popo won’t know and Boris – he’s in his own bullshit bubble. Be here for lunch at 2 and we’ll party til late – just remember on the way out to not slam the gate.”
“What’s the point of being ‘protected’ when I’m sat here all alone? I need to see my family in the flesh, not 5 minutes on the phone.”
“None of us know how much time we’ve got and every day is a brand new blessing. This Covid malarkey has taken so much and from it we need to learn lessons.”
“Give is the facts, drop all the ‘fluff’ and let us make our own decisions – those that desire can stay home by the fire while the rest of us crack on getting provisions”.
The family agreed and with renewed festive cheer they began gathering ingredients for dinner. Some sprouts for aunt Mary, Yorkshire puds for uncle Stan – a party pack of Imodium for those that get stuck on the shitter.
So if you see your neighbours having family round for lunch n maybe staying for tea – just smile and wave or look away, that’s all there is to say.
This years been tough enough as it is, they’ve divided us enough already – so go visit your family, enjoy your day, just go easy on the sherry.
Thousands of Brits are thought to be infected with a new form of fast spreading virus that scientists are calling ‘BojoBullshiticus’.
Leading virologist, Dr Knowfuckall said: “We are more than alarmed at the rate the BojoBullshiticus is travelling across the nation.
“At this moment in time it appears that the vast majority of people are indeed infected with BojoBullshiticus, however we’re hopeful numbers will fall in coming weeks as it becomes more apparent that they’ve been blagged by a braggart.”
Symptoms vary wildly and there’s reports of widespread mass hysteria with some even contemplating leaving elderly relatives in prolonged isolation over what has now become known as the festered period.
Karen from London said: “We didn’t give a rats ass when the BojoBullshiticus meant them up north had to face more misery in tier 3 – we were too busy getting pissed in the pub and welcoming the thousands of foreigners we have arriving every week.
“But now it’s here, in the capitol and that was not supposed to happen – fair enough the uncouth northerners need locking up/down but we’re better than that. How am I supposed to take Tabitha to school or get my daily crappachino now everywhere is closed. It’s totes ridiculous”.
Prime Minister Johno the KnobJockey refused to answer our request for an interview, simply stating: “Put your hands over your face and hop in one place until we decide on a better course of action. Obviously these rules don’t apply to Westminster but if any of the other districts break them we’ll simply up the tiers and starve them out”.
“The human vaccine trials are well underway but this won’t make an iota of difference anyway and we’ll expect you all to continue with the masks and lack of social interaction for as long as we can possibly get away with it.
“Have yourself a Merry little Festermas and by that I mean by yourself, with the windows open and intense hand washing every hour on the hour. You can go out, but not out out and don’t pull a cracker with your nan if you’d like her to live long enough to qualify for a vaccine we have absolutely no idea about in regards to long term effects.
It appears we have fucked up on a massive scale and it’s down to you to deal with the aftermath.
As it stands today, our feckless government has spent £284bn – or £283,915,000,000 to be exact on ‘the war against Covid19’ and the bill is set to rise even further with at least £55bn more for public services alone earmarked for 2021-22.
All for a virus with a 0.6% fatality rate and an average age at death of 82.
To pay for this, the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) has estimated that borrowing will rise to £394bn this year, the highest level since the Second World War and it is you and your cohort that will be paying it off for the rest of your lives.
It will then become the responsibility of your children, should you decide to bring any into this shitstorm of a world – economic reasoning and past evidence suggest that the whole ‘Rona crisis will lead people to have fewer children.
A decent amount of the spending went on scaring the public enough for them to be complicit – pumping out fear inducing figures and daily death tolls whilst quietly taking away our freedom, all under the guise of keeping us safe.
We were told that, in order to keep our elderly safe from the virus, we could no longer visit them – the sweeping decline in their mental wellbeing was almost as swift as the devastating infection rate that followed.
While we were distracted with the endless ‘Rona rhetoric and mandatory clapping the economy collapsed around us.
Unemployment, poverty, homelessness and suicide rates went up as human interaction decreased. We were thrust into a lockdown straight from the pages of a dystopian novel and once there we struggled to get out.
A three-week lockdown to ‘flatten the curve’ became a three-and-a-half month purgatory that served only to flatten the economy, our mental wellbeing and our freedom.
We have just come out of another 27 days of ‘additional lockdown’ – straight into some ‘Tier 3’ bullshit that affords us no more freedom than we had in lockdown except being allowed to spend money in ‘non-essential’ shops on presents we may or may not be allowed to visit at Christmas.
Boris told us that if we are very, very good and follow all the rules of his ‘pre-Christmas circuit breaker’ (that will no doubt last until Easter) then we may be allowed to see a few relatives – as long as we don’t hug or play board games, do leave windows open or eat in the garden and don’t even think about sharing a cracker with nan.
And here we are today, November 29th 2020, the whole year has been one political car crash after another and I have no idea where we are heading, only that it is going to be a bumpy ride.
I do know that, as a society, we are more divided than ever and if I had just one wish for the future it would be that your generation unites. You need to pull together in order to make a difference – together you are so much stronger and it’s the only way change can happen.
All of you will have been impacted in some way by the Covid19 but few of you will have been ill.
It doesn’t matter if you have never had it, or if you don’t know a single person that has – the knock on effect and the way the government have (mis)handled the situation means that you are likely to face some very difficult years ahead and I really am truly sorry that there wasn’t enough of my generation to take a stand before it was too late.
But, there is hope…
You and your peers have the necessary skills that will guide you through the tough times and hopefully out the other side to a better, fairer and all together brighter future.
You’re the critical thinkers, questioners and inquisitive souls – the ones who can reimagine society and, if you pull together, create a place where everyone is respected, treated fairly and equality is a given.
When you’re old enough to have a vote remember what this government have done and cast it accordingly.
Seek knowledge and not just from the ‘news’. Challenge your own views and share what you learn with others.
Be sensible but don’t be a pushover – this includes nonsensical rules that feel wrong in your soul.